So I was at this bar the other day when I ran into this girl that I’m friends with on Facebook. For those of you reading this that are not on my friends list, I troll like a motherfucker on there. I’ve typed out long public manifestos on shit like my ardent support for public urination and my skepticism in the moon. Every now and then, I’ll admit, there’s sometimes some subtextual bullshit you could take away as an “overarching theme/meaning”…if you try hard enough.
Anyways, the chick came up to me, and incoherently slurred something along the lines of “Oh my god, your Facebook status’s are so funny! Now I’m not the biggest supporter of political dictatorships, but if you ran for emperor, I’d vote for you.”
Oh you shouldn’t have told me that, yo.
Not with my already ever present Napoleon complex. She’s lucky I didn’t ride that power trip out enough to try assembling together my pitiful squadron of drunks to lay siege to the bar until they barraged us with a series of Jaegar Bombs and Irish Car Bombs…all the way down to the Molotov cocktails.
But sitting here, still riding that wave about a week or so later, I’ve decided to list out a litany of decrees I would make if I was voted in as emperor. Take it as the platform I would run on, for the American people, if I had at least won the nomination.
- Pot and prostitution are legal. That’s my first order, and I will make sure it gets passed my first day in office.
- Launch a collective effort to stomp out slut shaming. I very much enjoy sluts. I don’t want them to feel ashamed…guess I’m a feminist at heart.
- Fuck it, all drugs are legal.
- Everyone who uses the word “snowflake” will immediately be taken to a firing wall and subsequently shot. If you can’t recognize the irony in using that word as an insult then I don’t want you in my gene pool
- Speaking of gene pool, Eugenics will be legal…but only if you want to.
- I’d uphold Net Neutrality
- Instead of cops, I’d try working something out with the mob to help keep the peace. I mean the police are pretty shitty at “protecting and serving”. Let’s see what the other guys can bring to the table. Besides, it ain’t like they don’t already have their local politicians bought anyway. Might as well put them to work.
- Obviously I think the current proposal we have of the “Wall” is preposterous. Clearly they could just dig under it. That’s why I propose a series of demolitions along the border, until that portion of the continent breaks off from us entirely.
- We can piss and shit outside. The nitrogen from our excrement can act as a natural fertilizer
- I’d let Elon Musk deal with all the roadways. He seems like he’s already got that worked out.
- I’d invest in solar energy. That shit seems like a pretty no-brainer move there.
- Clean up Wall Street. I have a mop and dustpan.
- Citizenship rights for all animals except pigeons. I had one steal a cookie from me once when I was little, so fuck their whole species for that.
- Lock up Hilary.
- Call for an end of misappropriating funds to a perpetuate a military-industrial complex.
- Same as 15, but insert “private prisons” in place of the “military”.
- Imma just outsource all the healthcare jobs to the Indians at this point. They’ll offer that shit to you for a dangerously cheap price if you haggle enough.
- Abortion is legal, cause as a male, I don’t want a fucking kid either.
- In regards to the gun issue, the argument “If a good guy with a gun was there, this would have been prevented” hasn’t been tested to its full extent. That’s why I am making firearms mandatory. Even for toddlers.
- Imma implement an annual purge to find out how law 19 works out.
- In regards to liberal/conservative leanings, Imma just reorganize the 50 states of America into just 2. One more-or-less a capitalist one, and the other more-or-less a socialist one. You are not confined, are free to leave and the join the other side if you are fed up. Hopefully you all will eventually come to the conclusion that both ends of the spectrum kinda suck, and would even level out somewhere in the middle.
Well, this is what I stand for at this current moment. I can’t promise that I won’t flip-flop on one of these stances…you know convincing those lobbyists could get.
Anyways, a vote for me is a vote for not having your name in my “Little Red Book” (Yes, that is a homage to one of my personal heroes, Mao Zedong. Hopefully I could work things out with China again.)