Fucking Around On Hinge

So I’ve been fucking around with Hinge these past few weeks, and I could honestly tell you that I’ve probably learned more about “the human psyche” through dating apps than I have from the four years accredited to me as a psychology major…at least all that latent Freudian shit.

But even aside from that, I’d say that I’m a good judge of character. Like, Hannibal Lecter good.

For those unfamiliar with Hinge, it’s a lot like Tinder. You post a few profile pictures of yourself, but instead of a bio you answer three questions from a pre-generated list they’ve made. Some examples include, “Go-to karaoke song”, “Dream dinner guest”, and “I’ll know I’ve found the right one when…” Usually most of the people on here just end up writings something about dogs or The Office as a cop out for personality.

Now you could say that the repetitiveness of this all overwhelmed me. I soon grew bored. So I decided to throw a couple of my favorite memes, and conduct a little bit of a sociopathic little “social psychology experiment”…something a bit more…human…

Yeah I’m a piece of shit, but I mean since when was an online profile on an up-and-coming dating site ever a good indicator of a person’s character, am I right?

I really wish I remembered to screenshot the rest of this conversation, but she unmatched me somewhere after I said I would “bury her face in the sheets until she forfeited over her voting rights”

Most of my conversations on here are surprisingly pretty standard, still, with a profile as fucked up as mine, account for a couple kinky outliers to pop up every now and then…

I swear I went on a date with this girl who told me that her entire reasoning behind going out with me in the first place was to see if I was a serial killer. Now let’s say, hypothetically, you were right. Was all that really worth having your suspicions confirmed? I guess I understand now, why it was “curiosity” that killed the cat. It’s probably that same “curiosity” that made Ted Bundy such a damn “lady killer”. 

…Now to all the suppressed brown girls out there still grinding on the path to med school…go follow your dreams or some shit idk, but you’re a fucking idiot if you think it’s a good idea to project your repressions out through me.

I know I probably look like someone who’d your parents would approve of, but I promise…it’d probably only just be your mom…your dad would probably end up seeing through my shit. And if you ever start to decide that I’m lightyears cooler and more entertaining than that neutered doctor that your parents would’ve set you up with…just know you REALLY don’t want to be the one jotting down my “prior medical history”.

Once this chick, who wanted to become the first Iranian woman on the Supreme Court, matched and attempted to flirt with me. Now I don’t know much on how to go about getting on the Supreme Court, but I sure as hell know one way to NOT get in…by fucking around with me. I figured, given her career aspirations, she’d have enough “judgement” to see the red flags.

And I’m aware of the complaint launched by many darker-skinned females: Why is it that brown guys only go after white girls?

Now I can’t speak for all brown dudes, but like in a court of law, I can speak for myself. Personally speaking, there’s a reason why if I see [Insert Brown Name] and [Insert White Name] walking down the street, I gotta shoot my shot with [Insert White Name]. I mean I’d shoot two shots if we weren’t playing 1-and-1 here in this hypothetical, completely made up, race-neutral scenario.

And I feel like anyone who knows me would probably agree on this: I’m about as whitewashed as a picket fence at a klan rally.

Forreal, I guarantee you that I probably know more Lynyrd Skynyrd songs your average inbred logger out of Mississippi. Is it a defense mechanism? Idk. All I know is that ain’t nobody gon’ shoot no sandnigger that knows the words to Freebird.

Seriously though brown girls, don’t think it’s cause of the color your skin. There’s a reason why white people tan. There’s a reason why Mia Khalifa still reigns as #1 on Pornhub. Priyanka Chopra sings the Thursday night football song is cougar-ing it up with a fucking Jonas brother. I saw her as a kid on the TV in Bollywood. With a “B”. I’m pretty sure she gave me one of my very first hard-ons. Imagine watching football 10 years later…and you’re still hard!

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Now Asian girls, that one has always been a tough one for me to put my finger in…I mean..on…

A bit of color, a touch of the “exotic”, sells if you market it well enough…but [Insert Indian Name], as much as a respect you for toughening it out through med school, just so you could provide the public with prescription medication in a responsible (and lucrative manner)… understand, [Insert White Name] is probably more likely the type to crush up and abuse those prescriptions…and that’s more my speed. I mean, ain’t love supposed to be based off what’s on the inside, and not on the outside?

See! Look how much fun me and the lady with the blue hair are having! Also, my artistic pop cultural references are money.

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So brown girls, if you ever want me to take you seriously you better go ahead and start resenting your parents or some shit because I’m sick of having bland ass conversations like this…

Who the fuck thinks I would relate to watching New Girl and Shameless? I’d say Parks and Rec is rather uncharacteristic as well, but I actually watched that show in its entirety…Chris Pratt was just too gosh darn adorable…

But if you don’t know how to respond in a specific situation, the best course of action would be to just show me your tits. It’ll always work as a viable response if you don’t know what to say. Be like this chick. She’s smart. She’s going places.

Still, despite how money my game might be, I just wanna find someone who likes me for me:/

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